There used to be some quite interesting things on the TV.

Ouch.

Here’s a song courtesy of Brooklyn’s power-hooksters the Walk Ons, from their latest LP on Drug Front Records. Don’t let their brash, cheery anthem stop you from hating life as much as I do right now.

The Walk Ons – “Ready to Leave”

In other news, I have really been enjoying the long-playing record Neil Hamburger Sings Country Winners, which came out two years ago on the Drag City label but which I got from my neighbor Virginia for $1 at my own yard sale last Sunday.

And, for the record, those penis-sized holes in the bathroom at Spaceland have always been there.

Copyright © 1995 Rick S. Hall.

I read a lot of internet discussions, often “lurking” for months without adding to a comment thread because usually some more prolific jerk will eventually get around to stating my case for me, saving me the hassles of crafting a response. It’s only the internet, anyway. In the heat of virtual battle, no one expects you to be Clarence fucking Darrow.

However.

There are a few internet things that you should just stop doing. Please. These verbal tropes suck the air out of any argument. Everyone has read them before, so they have been long drained of any humor value or damaging sting. They are old as dirt, which means that exponentially, in internet terms, they actually predate the Big Bang, which is almost impossible, I think. Ask an astrophysicist. To use one of these not-at-all-funny-or-clever turns of phrase marks you as a poser, a hack, a lazy thinker… about as hip as Strom Thurmond, who has been dead for several years now. In my opinion, even ol’ Strom seems fresher at this point.

Beyond the glaringly obvious examples (we all know no one is really ROFLing or LOLing or LMFAOing, but that war on stupidity was lost long ago), the following interweb stinkers are tough and insidious. If you adopt these, I’m calling you out, motherfucker. Please feel free to hit the comment section and list other clichés you’re glad I missed.

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“That’s ___ minutes/hours of my life that I’ll never get back.”
The SNL of web clichés. This one just won’t go away, and variations seem to be employed by everyone, from cretinous YouTuber youths, to that great-grandmother who’s using her neighbor’s dialup connection to send you inspirational e-Cards. Sometimes overheard when walking out of a movie theatre.

The premise is faulty. Take it from someone who’s basically wasted his entire life – you weren’t going to use that lost time for anything constructive, anyway.

“I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.”
This unsolicited medical report is not the least bit convincing. Anyone who repeats it should be required to undergo some sort of breathalyzer test for traces of vomit. Interestingly, this expression seems to mostly be utilized by females. Now, I realize that you delicate ladies need to express your online disdain more frequently than we disgusting, brutish males do, but there’s gotta be a better way!

(Note: Lesser corollaries to this cliché will make reference to stabbing out one’s eyeballs or rinsing them with bleach.)

“(clumsily altered text) – There, fixed that for you.”
A smarmy way to use your HTML skills to modify the words of your opponent into something you wish you’d said. This was slightly clever the very first time it was used in an internet brawl. Since then, it’s been just an obnoxious method of turning a level debate into a bonfire of straw. By the way, that guy who originally invented it lost his argument anyway, so fuck you let that be a lesson.

“Wow. Just wow.” / “Eww. Just eww.”
A simple “gosh golly gee” or “that’s gross” would express your astonishment/nausea a lot better. This is as overplayed as yelling “whaasssup!!” like you’re starring in a ‘90s Budweiser ad.

“How’s that working out for ya?”
This is the same as saying, “I really deserve a punch in the face, but we’re on the internet, so nyaah nyaah nyaah.” Why would you want to imitate the smug cadence of Sarah Palin in your internet comments? Don’t be a douchebag.

“______ just shot out of my nose. You owe me a new keyboard/monitor.”
No, it didn’t. Clichés came out of your ass. No one owes you anything.

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Arthur Tracy – “Pennies From Heaven”

In other news, James “The Amazing” Randi has come outta the closet at the grand age of 81. The fact that he’s gay is probably not a big surprise for most of his fans, but I find it pretty cool that he even bothered to announce it at this point. His great books, those hilarious sting operations against various scumbags, his magnificent beard, and his tireless promotion of scientific principles have all been a big inspiration.

If you have the time to read a brilliant perspective on suburban teenage life, check out Paul Graham’s terrific essay on Why Nerds Are Unpopular.

The animated GIF at right was stolen from the purely visual Three Frames blog. Its image comes from the classic trash film Class of 1984, an excellent entertainment.

Laughing Hyenas – “Just Can’t Win”

Prong – “Look Up at the Sun”