April 20, 2010

Ol’ Zipper Lips Is Back

By request of Wade, here’s a short clip of me getting a verbal beatdown from funnyman Neil Hamburger at a recent performance. This man is a living legend who needs no introduction.

In other news, I have really been enjoying the long-playing record Neil Hamburger Sings Country Winners, which came out two years ago on the Drag City label but which I got from my neighbor Virginia for $1 at my own yard sale last Sunday.

And, for the record, those penis-sized holes in the bathroom at Spaceland have always been there.

Rick at 7:45 pm

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April 9, 2010

…Hey

Copyright © 1995 Rick S. Hall.

Butthole Surfers – “Hey”

Rick at 7:49 pm

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April 6, 2010

Please Don’t Use These Clichés

We’ve all done it. Probably without thinking. There’s no shame in verbal shorthand from time to time, as long as one is aware of it and doesn’t actually believe that one is expressing one’s self using anything but the cheapest device at hand. Let’s face it, originality is overrated, and quite rare. The majority of my opinions don’t rate much better than the standard idiomatic color palette. I imagine most folks usually know what I’m about to say before I even open up my fat yap.

I read a lot of internet discussions, often “lurking” for months without adding to a comment thread because usually some more prolific jerk will eventually get around to stating my case for me, saving me the hassles of crafting a response. It’s only the internet, anyway. In the heat of virtual battle, no one expects you to be Clarence fucking Darrow.

However.

There are a few internet things that you should just stop doing. Please. These verbal tropes suck the air out of any argument. Everyone has read them before, so they have been long drained of any humor value or damaging sting. They are old as dirt, which means that exponentially, in internet terms, they actually predate the Big Bang, which is almost impossible, I think. Ask an astrophysicist. To use one of these not-at-all-funny-or-clever turns of phrase marks you as a poser, a hack, a lazy thinker… about as hip as Strom Thurmond, who has been dead for several years now. In my opinion, even ol’ Strom seems fresher at this point.

Beyond the glaringly obvious examples (we all know no one is really ROFLing or LOLing or LMFAOing, but that war on stupidity was lost long ago), the following interweb stinkers are tough and insidious. If you adopt these, I’m calling you out, motherfucker. Please feel free to hit the comment section and list other clichés you’re glad I missed.

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“That’s ___ minutes/hours of my life that I’ll never get back.”
The SNL of web clichés. This one just won’t go away, and variations seem to be employed by everyone, from cretinous YouTuber youths, to that great-grandmother who’s using her neighbor’s dialup connection to send you inspirational e-Cards. Sometimes overheard when walking out of a movie theatre.

The premise is faulty. Take it from someone who’s basically wasted his entire life – you weren’t going to use that lost time for anything constructive, anyway.

“I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.”
This unsolicited medical report is not the least bit convincing. Anyone who repeats it should be required to undergo some sort of breathalyzer test for traces of vomit. Interestingly, this expression seems to mostly be utilized by females. Now, I realize that you delicate ladies need to express your online disdain more frequently than we disgusting, brutish males do, but there’s gotta be a better way!

(Note: Lesser corollaries to this cliché will make reference to stabbing out one’s eyeballs or rinsing them with bleach.)

“(clumsily altered text) – There, fixed that for you.”
A smarmy way to use your HTML skills to modify the words of your opponent into something you wish you’d said. This was slightly clever the very first time it was used in an internet brawl. Since then, it’s been just an obnoxious method of turning a level debate into a bonfire of straw. By the way, that guy who originally invented it lost his argument anyway, so fuck you let that be a lesson.

“Wow. Just wow.” / “Eww. Just eww.”
A simple “gosh golly gee” or “that’s gross” would express your astonishment/nausea a lot better. This is as overplayed as yelling “whaasssup!!” like you’re starring in a ‘90s Budweiser ad.

“How’s that working out for ya?”
This is the same as saying, “I really deserve a punch in the face, but we’re on the internet, so nyaah nyaah nyaah.” Why would you want to imitate the smug cadence of Sarah Palin in your internet comments? Don’t be a douchebag.

“______ just shot out of my nose. You owe me a new keyboard/monitor.”
No, it didn’t. Clichés came out of your ass. No one owes you anything.

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Arthur Tracy – “Pennies From Heaven”

Rick at 5:15 am

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