February 24, 2007

A Larger Man

In the audio-trading underground, there’s a tinier subculture of folks who are tickled by the artfully phoned prank. Yes, we collect tapes and CDs of anonymous pricks fucking with unsuspecting victims over the phone. Okay… it’s kind of an infantile concept, I’ll admit. Socially conscious, mature adults should be above such shenanigans. Even so, there are certain recordings that prove my rule that there are very few fields so restrictive that within their confines, a superior mind can’t create a masterpiece.

Meet “Lou Merkert.” I was introduced to his (only?) work via a cassette procured in the early 1990s from John Trubee, a fellow who did a lot to popularize the medium in those years before the Jerky Boys killed the golden goose. Webpages from this guy and this guy could be a good place to start if you want some primary sources.

This audio clip is very much worth your while. Granted, if you don’t find Lou’s schtick immediately entralling, you might not be the target audience for the full 18 minutes twenty. As for me, the uncomfortably chummy, nasal timbre of his voice revives childhood memories of distant hillbilly relatives back in Virginia, W.Va., Ohio and Maryland. I can smell the secondhand Tareyton smoke, hideous bourbon, leftover Hut pizza and greasy thigh cream.

A question that usually comes to mind when people first hear this tape is “How did he get her number? Do they know each other?” Given the angle of attack, I always imagined them only distantly acquainted; in my mind, Shelly somehow screwed over a pal of Lou’s, arousing in Lou a desire to see justice done in the most perverse way possible – by wasting her valuable time.

Marvel at the methodical way Lou introduces the facts of his situation bit by bit until the whole horrifying portrait emerges. And how Shelly entertains the most outlandish negotiations – so long as Lou’s holding out the possibility of a cushy infomercial gig. See, he’s a dealmaker. Does that disgust you?

“Lou Merkert” – Homebound call

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UPDATE: Incidentally, anybody who I haven’t already harassed can now view my Academy™-acclaimed star turn in Steve Hadden’s cinematic masterpiece Feces For the Fuhrer. I’m the guy getting pissed on and electrocuted. Typecasting, y’know.

Rick at 4:39 pm

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February 13, 2007

Fucking Up is Hard to Do

Did anyone notice I was away, studying Japanese, trading CDs and wallowing in my own wastes? I hope so; a fella likes to feel noticed, even when he’s hiding in a dark apartment. Welcome to my world!

Let’s see… Whoa. Six weeks since my last post of any literary substance! S’pose it’s time to type some words again. And just so’s you don’t call me shiftless, here are some curious videos I uploaded to YouTube: douzo. I’ve also been spending my listening time on certain popular artists (like Cat Stevens) it might’ve been inadvisable to post about, given the current confused copyright climate (How’s that for an excuse? It’s all the fault of lawyers). Finally, in other Internet news, you can click on that right photo of the Goddess Bunny for additional pictures captured on my recent travels, proving that a hipster’s life is bigger than bloggery.

Upon first listen, this 1995 Blag Dahlia EP with Tania Hearst on the cover entitled Venus With Arms is not as good as the best of the Dwarves’ albums. Apparently this was released during a two-year period when the actual Dwarves band was temporarily nonexistent due to drugs and some silly shenanigans with their record company; I wasn’t paying attention at the time. Anyhow, I was just about to chuck this CD into the trading pool when I played the fifth and last song, and suddenly my dick got hard. “Theme From the Vicelords” contains all the most lovable elements of the Dwarves: short, loud, filthy and fast, clever lyrics from the perspective of a self-described loser asshole, over-the-edge macho posturing with a sense of its own ridiculousness, anthemic chaos and Blag’s high-energy sneer – topped off with a completely retarded guitar phase-shifter siren sound in the second half. That’s comedy, my friend. I also dig the wooden Streets of San Francisco-style voiceover intro.

Sure, not everyone agrees with this assessment, but that’s why I have this bully pulpit – to bully you with my personal opinions. Let me point out that this is my second post in two months with the phrase “Fuck Up” in the title.

“Everywhere that we go / Everybody knows / You only can trust us / As far as you can throw…” Sing along with me, dammit.

Blag Dahlia – “Theme From the Vicelords”

Rick at 6:06 pm

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