May 11, 2010

Another Piece Missing

Big news. Another ex-girlfriend is getting married. Wow, the ol’ saying is really true! Living well is the best revenge.

Ouch.

Here’s a song courtesy of Brooklyn’s power-hooksters the Walk Ons, from their latest LP on Drug Front Records. Don’t let their brash, cheery anthem stop you from hating life as much as I do right now.

The Walk Ons – “Ready to Leave”

Rick at 12:00 am

Comments (1)

April 20, 2010

Ol’ Zipper Lips Is Back

By request of Wade, here’s a short clip of me getting a verbal beatdown from funnyman Neil Hamburger at a recent performance. This man is a living legend who needs no introduction.

In other news, I have really been enjoying the long-playing record Neil Hamburger Sings Country Winners, which came out two years ago on the Drag City label but which I got from my neighbor Virginia for $1 at my own yard sale last Sunday.

And, for the record, those penis-sized holes in the bathroom at Spaceland have always been there.

Rick at 7:45 pm

Comments (0)

April 6, 2010

Please Don’t Use These Clichés

We’ve all done it. Probably without thinking. There’s no shame in verbal shorthand from time to time, as long as one is aware of it and doesn’t actually believe that one is expressing one’s self using anything but the cheapest device at hand. Let’s face it, originality is overrated, and quite rare. The majority of my opinions don’t rate much better than the standard idiomatic color palette. I imagine most folks usually know what I’m about to say before I even open up my fat yap.

I read a lot of internet discussions, often “lurking” for months without adding to a comment thread because usually some more prolific jerk will eventually get around to stating my case for me, saving me the hassles of crafting a response. It’s only the internet, anyway. In the heat of virtual battle, no one expects you to be Clarence fucking Darrow.

However.

There are a few internet things that you should just stop doing. Please. These verbal tropes suck the air out of any argument. Everyone has read them before, so they have been long drained of any humor value or damaging sting. They are old as dirt, which means that exponentially, in internet terms, they actually predate the Big Bang, which is almost impossible, I think. Ask an astrophysicist. To use one of these not-at-all-funny-or-clever turns of phrase marks you as a poser, a hack, a lazy thinker… about as hip as Strom Thurmond, who has been dead for several years now. In my opinion, even ol’ Strom seems fresher at this point.

Beyond the glaringly obvious examples (we all know no one is really ROFLing or LOLing or LMFAOing, but that war on stupidity was lost long ago), the following interweb stinkers are tough and insidious. If you adopt these, I’m calling you out, motherfucker. Please feel free to hit the comment section and list other clichés you’re glad I missed.

—————————

“That’s ___ minutes/hours of my life that I’ll never get back.”
The SNL of web clichés. This one just won’t go away, and variations seem to be employed by everyone, from cretinous YouTuber youths, to that great-grandmother who’s using her neighbor’s dialup connection to send you inspirational e-Cards. Sometimes overheard when walking out of a movie theatre.

The premise is faulty. Take it from someone who’s basically wasted his entire life – you weren’t going to use that lost time for anything constructive, anyway.

“I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.”
This unsolicited medical report is not the least bit convincing. Anyone who repeats it should be required to undergo some sort of breathalyzer test for traces of vomit. Interestingly, this expression seems to mostly be utilized by females. Now, I realize that you delicate ladies need to express your online disdain more frequently than we disgusting, brutish males do, but there’s gotta be a better way!

(Note: Lesser corollaries to this cliché will make reference to stabbing out one’s eyeballs or rinsing them with bleach.)

“(clumsily altered text) – There, fixed that for you.”
A smarmy way to use your HTML skills to modify the words of your opponent into something you wish you’d said. This was slightly clever the very first time it was used in an internet brawl. Since then, it’s been just an obnoxious method of turning a level debate into a bonfire of straw. By the way, that guy who originally invented it lost his argument anyway, so fuck you let that be a lesson.

“Wow. Just wow.” / “Eww. Just eww.”
A simple “gosh golly gee” or “that’s gross” would express your astonishment/nausea a lot better. This is as overplayed as yelling “whaasssup!!” like you’re starring in a ‘90s Budweiser ad.

“How’s that working out for ya?”
This is the same as saying, “I really deserve a punch in the face, but we’re on the internet, so nyaah nyaah nyaah.” Why would you want to imitate the smug cadence of Sarah Palin in your internet comments? Don’t be a douchebag.

“______ just shot out of my nose. You owe me a new keyboard/monitor.”
No, it didn’t. Clichés came out of your ass. No one owes you anything.

—————————

Arthur Tracy – “Pennies From Heaven”

Rick at 5:15 am

Comments (12)

March 25, 2010

Hack Attack

So my site got hacked a couple of hours ago by someone using the email address john@chetkoe.tv. (Its IP is 66.36.229.21). Somehow it made itself an administrator of this blog. However, the bugfucker had not yet done much damage before the plug was pulled on its shenanigans… I think. Right now, I’m just waiting to hear back from anyone who knows shit from shinola about computers.

In other news, James “The Amazing” Randi has come outta the closet at the grand age of 81. The fact that he’s gay is probably not a big surprise for most of his fans, but I find it pretty cool that he even bothered to announce it at this point. His great books, those hilarious sting operations against various scumbags, his magnificent beard, and his tireless promotion of scientific principles have all been a big inspiration.

If you have the time to read a brilliant perspective on suburban teenage life, check out Paul Graham’s terrific essay on Why Nerds Are Unpopular.

The animated GIF at right was stolen from the purely visual Three Frames blog. Its image comes from the classic trash film Class of 1984, an excellent entertainment.

Laughing Hyenas – “Just Can’t Win”

Rick at 4:52 am

Comments (14)

March 4, 2010

Cheese

Copyright © 2010 Rick S. Hall.

The Cheese Band – “I Like Cheese”

Rick at 1:57 pm

Comments (0)

February 26, 2010

All the Way Downtown

Via the treasure-filled Killed By Death Records blog, an amazing unknown punk tune with the perfect running time, a beautifully gritty guitar solo and those above-it-all, casually snotty vocals that really sell it. The A.D.s were from Albany, NY and this first 7” was released in 1980 on the Blue Lunch label. This song has been extensively posted on music blogs, but I love it, so fuck you. But I’m not quite as fond of the b-side so, again, please refer to the end of the preceding sentence.

And here’s a completely unrelated link (y’all should be used to the “unrelated” part by now) to a street artist and photo archivist named Mark Michaelson, who collects vintage mugshots. Mark has published a big ass book of ‘em which you should purchase here if you’d like to support the scene. Otherwise, there’s a wondrous array of photos on his Flickr page. It’s sad and compelling.

There’s historical value in looking right at these people’s faces; hardcore criminals and scumbags are mixed in right alongside poor folks arrested for sedition, victimless crimes or simply for being nobodies. The curator usually gives some basic factual background, then lets their expressions tell the real story. Real nice work.

The A.D.s – “Living Downtown”

Rick at 1:07 am

Comments (0)

February 6, 2010

Africa – NSFW

This risque little gag was found in a 1970s pocket laff book from a Zurich thrift store, circa 1990. According to our translation software, the white explorer is saying: “From these splendid gusts of wind, I discover all the charms of Africa…”

True, it’s a weak punchline for a pubic hair joke. And yes, it is kinda weird that she has no nose. But bear in mind this is a German cartoon.






Desmond Dekker – “Pretty Africa”

Rick at 12:21 am

Comments (2)

February 4, 2010

Neko Funjatta

The name of this delightful toy is taken from an old kids’ tune, and the Japanese title means, roughly, “I stepped on the cat.” There are all kinds of versions of the song on YouTube, some exceedingly cute, including cartoons! If you just wanna learn how to sing the song and don’t care about aesthetics, try this one. That melody is maddening! No wonder Japanese kids grow up to be insane adults who make a livelihood from manufacturing disturbing novelties.

Anyway, I’m glad my kitty stays indoors. Children can be very cruel.

Photo c/o Bali Hai’s Eye of the Goof.

Rick at 3:44 am

Comments (1)

February 2, 2010

Junky Stuff

I’ve never patronized Apex Electronics and I wouldn’t know what to do if I did. My electronics expertise consists of properly connecting the Roku box, VCR and DVD player so that I don’t freak out everytime I need to switch inputs on the damn television. (Also, I can thread a projector.) However, I’m a big fan of control panels and archaic tubes, wires, machine guts and carcasses of obsolete advancements.

Somehow the promise of some sort of mechanical redemption, untapped technological magic, is hidden in the bowels of a junkheap. I really liked these little 360-degree views of Apex’s store and yard treasures. Drag your pointer over the window in any direction for some fun.

It’s always been a mental struggle to part with ex-devices. If I was to allow the psychosis to roam wild, my apartment would look just like that.

Devo – “Timing X”

Rick at 12:12 am

Comments (2)

February 1, 2010

Parasite

Copyright © 2009 Rick S. Hall.

Peter Peter & Kyed – “Acoustics of Crime”

Rick at 2:47 pm

Comments (2)

January 28, 2010

Oh Boy and How

“To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child.”

- Marcus Tullius Cicero

“In general, people experience their present naively, as it were, without being able to form an estimate of its contents; they have first to put themselves at a distance from it – the present, that is to say, must have become the past – before it can yield points of vantage from which to judge the future.”

- Sigmund Freud

“Life is a dead-end street.”

- H.L. Mencken

Charlie Spand & Blind Blake – “Hastings Street”

(In addition, a fine article about Blind Blake.)

Rick at 2:40 pm

Comments (1)