November 26, 2005

A Billion Prefab Shades of Beige

I just got back from Fresno, California.

Rick at 9:48 pm

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October 26, 2005

Paystub

Okay, I have a reputation as a spelling/grammar nazi. Not the kind of nazi that thinks bad spellers should be rounded up and exterminated; I’m the friendly kind of “nazi,” the kind that thinks it’s okay not to capitalize “nazi,” for example. In general, though, bad English rankles my testicles when it gets in the way of the writer making himself clear.

On my way to and from work, on Hollywood Boulevard, I pass a billboard advertising the Dr. Phil Show. It leaps out among a sea of similarly stupid signs.

“You’ve Got Your Battles.
He’s Got Your Back.”

Fuck this idiot! my mind screams. Is there a slogan more lumpy, more sandbagging to the ear? Unctuous smarm aside, this just reads poorly. Both sentences, on their own, make sense. But together, they make poop. (That last thing is the sort of on-the-one-hand, on-the-other-hand play on words the Dr. Phil people were shooting for; let me demonstrate how they failed.)

“You’ve Got Your Battles.” This is a broad, idiomatic statement. It is abstract, but could be literally true depending on how you define a battle. The “your” is redundant, because everything you’ve “got” is yours by definition, but that’s okay, because this comment is meant to be the kind of nurturing verbal hug you might get from a close friend or analyst/therapist, and certain soft redundancies are poetically pleasing.

Yep – you might say, reading the ad copy from the comfort of your automobile – I sure do have my battles, yes, siree… but what’s that got to do with the mustachio’d bald dude? Continue…

“He’s Got Your Back.”

Dumb.

The expression “having someone’s back” probably originated in the military, and has come to mean protecting a comrade from attacks which he or she can’t see, such as assaults from behind. It could never be literally or even figuratively true – it is an idiom with only one meaning. Although you do indeed possess your battles, the fat doctor does not actually own your back. If you tried to imagine Dr. Phil literally holding your severed spinal column while you stood beside him clutching an armful of battles, you’d end up confused. The slogan would only work if at least one of the literal images it brings forth could resonate. They can’t, because both sayings are separate abstractions that do not complement each other. One is passive, the other is active. They use the verb “to have” in different ways. The only thing the two statements have in common is that a retard paid lots of money to put them in my face.

You may think I’m taking this a bit too seriously. I’m not gonna be a crybaby about it. Sure, there are plenty of badly-written billboards. The crime here is not simply that an ad for an abusive emotional parasite has a bit of a tinny sound. What makes it offensive is that some illiterate copywriter actually thought he/she was being clever by splicing together two clashing idioms, merely because they contain words that are similar. Can you imagine a poor announcer having to read that shit? What inflection could render the proper soothing tone of well-meaning meaninglessness? I guess that’s why they make the big bucks.

When it comes to using down-home turns of phrase in creative, healthy ways, no one beats the country & western genre of music. The dearly departed Johnny Paycheck used to sing a song by the great George Jones with a very clever use of a similar device. It has been known to make me weep.

Johnny Paycheck – “(I’ll Be Over You) When the Grass Grows Over Me” (MP3)

Rick at 12:45 pm

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October 9, 2005

Where Is the Love?

Here’s a really good and rather depressing thing a fellow posted last month, about the problem of getting traffic to a music site sorta kinda like this one. The consensus seems to be that begging for links from more popular sites might help. I’m not a tech geek, just a jackoff of various trades… so I don’t have the answer. Various sad, aborted stints as a web-based DJ and rock ‘n’ roll singer have made it obvious to me that this project will impart its own share of burnout, especially since I’m a lazy person by habit, and view myself as chronically uncool, as well.

Anyway, I plan to ignore/accept the fact that these words, pictures and files are getting consumed by only a select few. You, reading this – consider yourself one of the elect. You’re “special.” Just leave a comment to your favorite post, that’s all. For the fuck of Christ. (Comments are the only thing keeping the karma machine running.) The Empire of Heavenly Bliss shall be yours, for at least the next few months.

Rick at 3:21 am

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September 23, 2005

Slicker Than Snot!

Many, many thanks to deadly codemaster / computer whisperer Michael Clifford for helping iron out all those stupid layout bugs. He actually fixed things up better than you see here, but I further fucked up the code in translation, so get used to what you see. For now. (If your browser isn’t Safari, you might be the problem.)

While you’re waiting for another mp3, you can look at these photos of my beautiful records.

Rick at 7:31 pm

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September 20, 2005

You May Have Noticed This Sucks

The discerning blog-o-holic (okay, not a good word, but I had to jump on the “making up shit that contains some variation on the term ‘blog’” bandwagon) will quite possibly note the myriad fuckups on Toe Stubber. It’s easy. Don’t get all smug, blogfucker.

There are so many things I see when I pull up the page. I see the right half of the header image either missing or, depending on the browser, half a mile down the page, covering up the Navigation links. Some browsers show the sidebar broken in two and continued at the bottom of the main section, mocking my efforts with a condescending sneer.

Rest assured that I hate the fact that this is forcing me to learn PHP and CSS and HIV just so I can make the page load properly, and that I’ll be enjoying a thick, juicy migraine until ToeStubber.com is coming correct. Perhaps some smartypants programmer who understands WordPress can diagnose my idiocy. Until then, all your helpful comments are oh-so-helpful, bloghelpers. Careful you don’t sprain your self-back-patting hand.

Rick at 8:44 pm

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