February 24, 2007

A Larger Man

In the audio-trading underground, there’s a tinier subculture of folks who are tickled by the artfully phoned prank. Yes, we collect tapes and CDs of anonymous pricks fucking with unsuspecting victims over the phone. Okay… it’s kind of an infantile concept, I’ll admit. Socially conscious, mature adults should be above such shenanigans. Even so, there are certain recordings that prove my rule that there are very few fields so restrictive that within their confines, a superior mind can’t create a masterpiece.

Meet “Lou Merkert.” I was introduced to his (only?) work via a cassette procured in the early 1990s from John Trubee, a fellow who did a lot to popularize the medium in those years before the Jerky Boys killed the golden goose. Webpages from this guy and this guy could be a good place to start if you want some primary sources.

This audio clip is very much worth your while. Granted, if you don’t find Lou’s schtick immediately entralling, you might not be the target audience for the full 18 minutes twenty. As for me, the uncomfortably chummy, nasal timbre of his voice revives childhood memories of distant hillbilly relatives back in Virginia, W.Va., Ohio and Maryland. I can smell the secondhand Tareyton smoke, hideous bourbon, leftover Hut pizza and greasy thigh cream.

A question that usually comes to mind when people first hear this tape is “How did he get her number? Do they know each other?” Given the angle of attack, I always imagined them only distantly acquainted; in my mind, Shelly somehow screwed over a pal of Lou’s, arousing in Lou a desire to see justice done in the most perverse way possible – by wasting her valuable time.

Marvel at the methodical way Lou introduces the facts of his situation bit by bit until the whole horrifying portrait emerges. And how Shelly entertains the most outlandish negotiations – so long as Lou’s holding out the possibility of a cushy infomercial gig. See, he’s a dealmaker. Does that disgust you?

“Lou Merkert” – Homebound call

=================================
UPDATE: Incidentally, anybody who I haven’t already harassed can now view my Academy™-acclaimed star turn in Steve Hadden’s cinematic masterpiece Feces For the Fuhrer. I’m the guy getting pissed on and electrocuted. Typecasting, y’know.

Rick at 4:39 pm

5 CommentsÈ

hey rick, have you seen any ‘bacon and egg watch’ around the intarweb?

Comment by William Thirteen Ñ February 25, 2007 @ 9:00 am
My friend, thy will be done. Give me a couple of days and I’ll upload.

Comment by Rick Ñ February 25, 2007 @ 9:58 am
7-11 Wars!
New Saigon!

Thanks for this, it made me happy.

Comment by The Kid Ñ February 25, 2007 @ 11:26 am
no problem, i’ve gots lots of time because, as i think i mentioned, i’m homebound!

Comment by William Thirteen Ñ February 25, 2007 @ 11:48 am
this call had me hypnotized. it was fantastic. when he mentioned compensation for “tire wear” i lost it. just lost it. i’m still laughing at that.

have you ever heard the scharpling and wurster phone calls?

Comment by b. brown Ñ March 2, 2007 @ 5:43 pm