February 21, 2006

Not All Vampires Suck Blood

When you drive a car in California, you are assumed by the government to be fair game. This means you cease being a human with rights, and become a “revenue source.”

I was on the freeway last October, in my old car which was built with useless old-fashioned shoulder safety straps (they basically work the same way as lashing your spine to the back of your seat with a length of rope, and they won’t stay connected anyway) and no right side mirror. Not a problem – I use the lap belt, which enables me to turn and lean forward or sideways, basically all the mobility necessary for safe vision when navigating.

A motorcycle cop stopped me, so as to pump up his monthly stats. Not interested in facts about old vehicles or theories regarding the logic of personal responsibilty, this super duper tax agent on wheels wrote me up a citation for being dangerous to myself. After my court date passed (I couldn’t take a day off work, especially when I knew there was zero chance of getting justice in traffic court), I got a threatening notice, and so promptly sent the full $300. Three weeks passed. They finally got around to cashing my check – after they waited to ensure the deadline had passed – so the fine magically doubled. Now I owed another $300. I received a bill from a collection agency. I paid the new amount over the phone along with a hefty $25 Western Union surcharge. (Have I mentioned that I am literally made of money? Yes, wealthy beyond belief, that’s me, pal.)

That last part was three weeks ago. Today I got a cheery note in the mail.

What does all this mean? I can’t figure out if I’m just supposed to kill myself now. Maybe someone with connections in the supreme Soviet bureaucracy can explain how to get these retarded, parasitic slugs out of my life. How? And why? I try to be a good person. I try to mind my own business.

I’m gonna cry now.

Rick at 11:32 pm

Comments (9)

9 CommentsÈ

Comiserations. I’ll just pass along the following quote, a favourite of an old boss of mine: “We cannot tolerate the proliferation of this paperwork any longer. It is useless to fight the forms. We must kill the people producing them.” – attributed to Vladimir Kabaidze, Director of the Ivanovo Machine Works near Moscow, in a speech before the annual Communist Party Congress, 1936. Hope that helps.

Cheers,
Perry

Comment by Perry Ñ February 22, 2006 @ 1:07 am
i would suggest going undergroun and joining the mexican mafia. then you can get on of those keen ‘low-riders’ that all the kids drive today!

Comment by wi11iam13 Ñ February 22, 2006 @ 7:30 am
if you’re willing to put in some serious hours to fight this, it can be beaten. I was pulled over for a very dubious accusation of “not waiting long enough at a stop sign” (and in a “area that’s pedestrian-heavy”—of course, at midnight, when I was pulled over, this wasn’t the case). I missed my court date too, and I got slapped with a monster fine and a point on my license. I went to plead the case at the downtown court (Hill Street) and was basically thrown out by the judge because I missed the original court date. No traffic school, no nothing. Go fuck yourself was the judicial decree, basically. But I’ve dealt with this behavior before—I fought and beat Check Systems, which is the most evil financial institution ever (basically, if you owe an amount to a bank, they can prevent you from opening a bank account anywhere in the CONTINENTAL UNITED STATES), so I knew I could beat the California Court System. You’re basically going to have to contact the office of the judge who was supposed to hear your case and explain what’s going on, and ask him to reconsider your case. Be willing to go to the court (repeatedly, if possible), and deal with the absolutely insane people who work on the court’s consumer “assistance” lines (overworked, underpaid, and bursting at the seams with attitude). Your best bet is to talk to the judge’s clerk and work with him/her. They will probably have some kind of solution for you. Most of all, be prepared to spend A LOT of time on the phone. If you have the patience (and believe me, it will be tried to the nth degree), you can beat this. This all sounds really fishy, so be adamant, and plead your case. If there’s anything I can do to help, lemme know.

Comment by Paul Ñ February 22, 2006 @ 11:03 am
Thanks, but I think I’m only willing to devote one more day to this. After that, it’s gonna have to be the shining path of terrorism, or suicide, or both. Some people tell me that the only way to get the bullshit “cleared” is to visit the courthouse. Since I already paid ($625), it’s not even an issue of fighting the ticket anymore. Those fuckers don’t answer the phone; it’s eternally busy, meaning off the receiver. I pray that they all get genital warts and become sterile.

Comment by Rick Ñ February 22, 2006 @ 2:35 pm
Oh lordy, this really sucks…If you need help, just ask.

Comment by Ivan Lerner Ñ February 22, 2006 @ 5:18 pm
Sorry Rick, are you now training for the tour de France?
Love,
Patrick

Comment by Ernesto Ñ February 22, 2006 @ 8:28 pm
Rick, I just finished fixing up a ‘76 Schwinn Stingray for my kid, but I could be persuaded to donate it to a good cause.

Comment by Dave Cruse Ñ February 23, 2006 @ 10:38 am
bureaucracy, ever the same since time immemorial. to bang one’s head against the wall until the ultimate relief upon life’s detraining IS STILL NOT ENOUGH… fuckdammit, i feel for ya brudda…

Comment by nosferatu sfumato Ñ February 24, 2006 @ 3:21 pm
You have no respect for authority, Rick.

Comment by Steve Cattani Ñ March 15, 2006 @ 12:58 pm