In 1992, I killed fourteen people as instructed by an official-sounding man named “Mormood Baghmanar.” I later learned not only that there was no such person, but that there has NEVER been such a person, anywhere at any time. I was cleared of the charges, but in 1993, after a similar phone call, I neglected to look at the notes I’d left for myself, and I killed five more innocent people. In my defense, the second round of victims were gathered on my lawn, stripped naked, with the words KILL ME written on their chests, as they’d been instructed by the same caller. It was an easy mistake to make, even the second time, and the jury agreed.

I no longer have a phone.