October 26, 2005

Paystub

Okay, I have a reputation as a spelling/grammar nazi. Not the kind of nazi that thinks bad spellers should be rounded up and exterminated; I’m the friendly kind of “nazi,” the kind that thinks it’s okay not to capitalize “nazi,” for example. In general, though, bad English rankles my testicles when it gets in the way of the writer making himself clear.

On my way to and from work, on Hollywood Boulevard, I pass a billboard advertising the Dr. Phil Show. It leaps out among a sea of similarly stupid signs.

“You’ve Got Your Battles.
He’s Got Your Back.”

Fuck this idiot! my mind screams. Is there a slogan more lumpy, more sandbagging to the ear? Unctuous smarm aside, this just reads poorly. Both sentences, on their own, make sense. But together, they make poop. (That last thing is the sort of on-the-one-hand, on-the-other-hand play on words the Dr. Phil people were shooting for; let me demonstrate how they failed.)

“You’ve Got Your Battles.” This is a broad, idiomatic statement. It is abstract, but could be literally true depending on how you define a battle. The “your” is redundant, because everything you’ve “got” is yours by definition, but that’s okay, because this comment is meant to be the kind of nurturing verbal hug you might get from a close friend or analyst/therapist, and certain soft redundancies are poetically pleasing.

Yep – you might say, reading the ad copy from the comfort of your automobile – I sure do have my battles, yes, siree… but what’s that got to do with the mustachio’d bald dude? Continue…

“He’s Got Your Back.”

Dumb.

The expression “having someone’s back” probably originated in the military, and has come to mean protecting a comrade from attacks which he or she can’t see, such as assaults from behind. It could never be literally or even figuratively true – it is an idiom with only one meaning. Although you do indeed possess your battles, the fat doctor does not actually own your back. If you tried to imagine Dr. Phil literally holding your severed spinal column while you stood beside him clutching an armful of battles, you’d end up confused. The slogan would only work if at least one of the literal images it brings forth could resonate. They can’t, because both sayings are separate abstractions that do not complement each other. One is passive, the other is active. They use the verb “to have” in different ways. The only thing the two statements have in common is that a retard paid lots of money to put them in my face.

You may think I’m taking this a bit too seriously. I’m not gonna be a crybaby about it. Sure, there are plenty of badly-written billboards. The crime here is not simply that an ad for an abusive emotional parasite has a bit of a tinny sound. What makes it offensive is that some illiterate copywriter actually thought he/she was being clever by splicing together two clashing idioms, merely because they contain words that are similar. Can you imagine a poor announcer having to read that shit? What inflection could render the proper soothing tone of well-meaning meaninglessness? I guess that’s why they make the big bucks.

When it comes to using down-home turns of phrase in creative, healthy ways, no one beats the country & western genre of music. The dearly departed Johnny Paycheck used to sing a song by the great George Jones with a very clever use of a similar device. It has been known to make me weep.

Johnny Paycheck – “(I’ll Be Over You) When the Grass Grows Over Me” (MP3)

Rick at 12:45 pm

12 CommentsÈ

Tunes like this..I could listen to with my Dad, but I hate crying in front of Dad…So I guess we won’t listen to this one together afterall.

Comment by Jessica Ñ October 26, 2005 @ 8:06 pm
I sooooo agreeee with you on the dumb ass “DR. Phil” . I find your comment about it extremely great. I also have a complaint about stupid billboard sayings, and like you it pisses me off too. There was this one about some new Fall tv drama or something. Can’t remember what it was called but the slogan will never be lost in my mind. It was “He lost his sight, but he didn’t lose his vision” Man how that angered me. face turns red with anger Ok see ya around the office! :-D

Comment by JESSICA (your co worker) Ñ October 27, 2005 @ 10:37 am
Thanks Rick Hall for all the thoughful culture dissections. Yes, I’ve always enjoyed that song very much. It has that nice mix of pathos, comedy and vengefulness – my kinda songs.

Comment by Robert Ñ October 27, 2005 @ 3:42 pm
more james brown or at least some james brown

Comment by hatman Ñ October 28, 2005 @ 3:07 pm
“brown thing, i think i love you
but i want to know for sure”

hey rick…so nice to see you here and hear you, see…. will you come to visit me in berlin sometime soon? many german girls want to have sex with you or a reasonable facsimile.

Comment by wi11iam13 Ñ October 28, 2005 @ 3:52 pm
listen here you demonic piece of english panty waste. this is an appeal for charity not a pettion. people are fucking dieing but you…. it’s the glasgow smile. it is clear as day.take that dick out of your mouth,the other out of your ass and look.i left all of the contacts for many aid agencies.

you go to the fucking devil for working me up…(you suck) and for making fun of starving women and children when a person like myself is trying to help.

now.

i have your isp(that’s right i use spy whare and i promise i will kick the god damn fucking shit out of you…1776 style,1812 style and northern irish style punk fucking pussy.

stupid fuck there is a picture of you on your myspace page. it stands to reason since i have more than 16 albums and a film i surely know more people at your fucking local.shame on you.

i’ll show you fgaggot.after i beat you to damn near death…i’m going to hand you over to the gays.

rough trade style.

one word for you son.

“headache.”

anton alfred newcombe
nyc 2005 “don’t be an asshole like this punk”
————————- Original Message————————-
From: phil
Date: Oct 27, 2005 4:16 PM

Anton, I’m in. Where do I sign.? I give money towards this ‘war effort’ but where is my money going, buddy?
This ain’t an idiots statement but it just looks like it is.
xx
(Is that gay to leave two kisses?)
————————- Bulletin Message————————-
From: brian jonestown massacre
Date: Oct 27, 2005 10:06 PM

i felt compelled to post this one more time.this is so fucking sad it brings me to tears.the thing is,there are not enough cold weather tents in the intire world to house 2,000,000 people that have no place to live…and this is kasmire.it’s way up in the mountains and their is no way to get to these people by road.all of their food that they collected and worked for is wasted by this earthquake.these people are freezing to death.these are women and children…i don’t care if you hate fucking arabs,or bin laden or george bush.these are human beings.

demand our government do more to help.we can move 180,000 soldiers to the other side of the plannet to kill arabs…we can do the same to help them.

there are over a 300,000 people that need your help or they will die if you do not help.
they live in a high elevation area that has very severe winter.this is tragic,and we are blessed with so much…please listen,i don’t care that our government sucks as much as i care about being abandond by people that could help…but won’t…for whatever the reason.

one dollar.

now a friend who tried to help,via the red cross,found out that the minimum donation online was $15 us.so what.make a check out for 50 cents and mail it to the red cressent.

short of that,repost this and ask all of your friends to do the same.
america is the third most populus nation on this plannet…and if you count the guys that clean the toilet that you shit in at burger king…and the ladies that take care of your grandma in the old folks home,and the girl that gives you your big mac…...

WE HAVE 3OO,OOO,OOO PEOPLE!

ten cents a person.

the snow is comming,and there are not enough “cold weather tents in this world to house 2,000,000 fucking people.”

please…

donate to the red cresent,or just e-mail your government to be humane.

i don’t care if you support peta and are a stone cold vegan…these are women and children and you can do something besides get all wraped up in your little perfect world that your mom and dad helped you create.be an individual,and do something for your plannet and it’s people besides make trash.

thank you for your your time.

anton alfred newcombe
nyc 2005

Comment by Ernesto Ñ October 28, 2005 @ 8:40 pm
Just wanted to share with you Anton Newcombe’s latest ramblings …

Comment by Ernesto Ñ October 28, 2005 @ 8:43 pm
Well, I’m glad Anton isn’t actually threatening my life. You scared me there for a negative 30 seconds – nice going! Anyhow, my MySpace page features a photo of me, so I suppose I shouldn’t say his band sucks.

Comment by Rick Ñ October 28, 2005 @ 10:31 pm
First off, i assume this blogsite is intended to disseminate rare and/or interesting music (Specimen Fred belonging more to the first category than the second), and therefore i trust that you will post NO entries devoted to JAMES BROWN (belonging to neither) (jeez, everybody has an opinion…)

Now, on to “you’ve got your battles, he’s got your back”. You are right that it’s clumsy and stupid, and your deconstruction of it is hilarious, particularly: clutching an armful of battles. But i think the meaning of it is clear enough, and that’s the worst part of it. It means that we ordinary people, stuck behind the wheels of our Hyundais and Toyotas, are bogged down with problems and hang-ups that we’re too simple-minded to handle. But we can take comfort that Dr. Phil, when not behind the wheel of his BMW, will reach down with a benevolent hand, pick us up and bestow upon us a few nuggets of his inexhaustible wisdom to set us on our proper paths. (how’s that for over-writing?)

It’s in the grammar. You say they’ve used the verb “to have” in different ways. I’m not sure. “To have” is used in the contractions “you’ve” and “he’s”. Seems the same to me, but let’s get technical on the next word. “Got” is the past tense of “get”, but is too often used in sentences like, “i’ve got three questions.” Since the use of the word “get” to replace “has” or “have” appears in Webster’s as definition #53 of “get”, we’re better just saying, “i have three questions.”

It only further demonstrates Dr Phil’s condescension. As a DOCTOR, he should know the phrases would be cleaner as, “You have your battles, he has your back.” But that would sound almost correct, so obviously this sanctimonious bastard is talking down to us, in our common vernacular, from his ‘Beamer’ to our ‘economy cars’. And that’s his biggest crime, climbing to wealth and fame on our troubled backs.

(I used to get annoyed by Apple’s “THINK DIFFERENT”. When confronted with it, Apple claimed they meant it like the phrase “THINK BIG”. It didn’t come off that way to me. Besides, if everyone were to “think different”, then what would be the GODDAMNED ‘DIFFERENCE’? That brings me back to Dr. Philled with Shit. George Carlin points out that by definition there is no such thing as “self-help”. You either get “help” from someone else, or you take care of your problems yourself, in which case you don’t need ‘help’.)

Whew, sorry about that, too much coffee this morning. I’m no William Safire, and i don’t possess half the vocabulary or style of a RICK HALL

-Sfumato

Comment by Eddie Sfumato Ñ October 29, 2005 @ 6:06 am
More Anton Newcombe …

are you still here?

what part of fuck off bitch and die don’t you understand?
are you horney or something?
don’t write me,your face is the ultimate rape deturant.
just deleate me you neurotic bitch and let me be myself.
fuck!
can’t your master read?
when your dog shits on the ground the sign says pick it up and throw it in the trash.
are you still here?

marisol?
lysol is more like it.
you stink shit stain fucking siphileptic rino clitoris breath bitch.
eat my fuck!

delete.
————————- Original Message————————-
From: Marisol
Date: Oct 29, 2005 7:38 PM

are so small. your vile words don’t intimidate me. if they did, then i would be no better than you. i pity you. yes, be a fucking asshole. you sure acquired that right by being in a fucking awesome band which i still love and will love until the day i die. you are like a fucking chihuaha, man. barking all fucking day. shut the fuck up. prick.
————————- Original Message————————-

with fans like this…who needs osama bin laden?

i think you should spen half of your day minding your own buisness….
and one half of your day neverminding mine.

go to fucking hell and zero respect for you.

our fucking president sucks and the things that he and his friends do will invade and destroy any little world i may be able to create you stupid fucking cun’t.

delete.
————————- Original Message————————-
From: Marisol
Date: Oct 28, 2005 9:09 PM

Instead of causing yourself so much pain and grief by keeping up with all this tragic news about how our president is a clomplete moron, wouldn’t you rather try and create your own world where his stupidity cannot reach? I know that you care, but let’s not fool ourselves. President Bush will be in office for the remainder of his term, and there’s nothing that you nor I can do about it. Let’s spend our love and strength someplace where we KNOW that’s it’s going to make a difference. In our friends, in our families…..in our homeless.
I think you are a brilliant human being, but I also think that you lack some sense when it comes to letting things get to you that are completely and unfortunately out of your control.
with much love and respect,
Marisol.
————————- Bulletin Message————————-

Comment by Ernesto Ñ October 29, 2005 @ 9:34 pm
some of these people seem to be posting comments on the wrong webpage… i thought it was about DR. PHIL, or DR. GEORGE JONES, who may have taken the twisted country phraseology a bit too far with “I’M THE ONE SHE MISSED HIM WITH TODAY,” on the “I AM WHAT I AM” record. maybe we can credit JONES with the current saying, “IT IS WHAT IT IS…” or did that come from “...what it is…”?
—Sfumato, as always, blowing smoke…

Comment by Eddie Sfumato Ñ October 30, 2005 @ 10:32 am
paycheck played bass for jones for many years

Comment by champagne and little bear Ñ November 4, 2005 @ 2:04 pm